This morning we continue our series in Colossians. Itâs a letter written to a church in modern-day Turkey. Today weâre looking at just two sentences on the topic of marriage. Let's turn to Colossians 3:18-19
Wives, submit yourselves to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord. Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them. (NIV)
Every time I read these words, it jars. Thatâs because, sadly, I know enough men who have used the verses to oppress women.
Can I say if youâre here today and youâre single, separated, divorced or youâre a victim of abuse, I want to especially acknowledge the very real pain youâll probably feel as I address husbands and wives. Please know that youâre not forgotten.
Marriage, for so many of us, is a delicate subject. Itâs sad, isnât it? That we all come into marriages broken, some more than others. We live in a broken world and weâve seen far too many broken marriages. It could be our parents, our own, our childâs or a friendâs. For many of us, there have been not so helpful role models, an absent father or mother. Whether itâs the horrors of rape or of abuse or unresolved conflict, not to mention mistreatment or power imbalance. Marriage sadly is not what itâs meant to be. Turn back a verse or 2 to Colossians 3:16
Let the message of Christ dwell among you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom through psalms, hymns, and songs from the Spirit, singing to God with gratitude in your hearts. (NIV)
Today is about hearing and letting the timeless message of Christ dwell in us, not reluctantly, but RICHLY. When it comes to marriage, we desperately need Godâs help. We especially need to hear and receive this as a good word from a good God.
Let's pray:
Father, we acknowledge that itâs not easy to hear these words. To talk about this subject today. Thereâs a quota of pain in each of us. Yet hard as these words are to hear, theyâre true words. Thank you that you are not a silent God. Thank you for this life-giving, life-changing message of Christ. And as we approach this delicate topic of marriage. By your Spirit, moves us from reluctant acceptance. To a rich reception of your life-changing Word. Please comfort and speak to our souls now. In Jesus name. AMEN.
In the 8 years Iâve been a Pastor, Iâve had the privilege of officiating at over 20 weddings as the minister. A good number have been people from MBM. Thatâs over 20 times, where the first thing I say, after the brideâs walked down the aisle, are what Godâs purposes for marriage are.
Usually I say something like this. Godâs given us marriage for 3 purposes.
First - marriage is a lifelong union between a man and woman. Companionship and partnership for the purposes of serving God and serving each other.
Second - marriage is the place where Godâs good and wonderful gift of sex is to be expressed.
And third - marriage is the place where children are born. Raised, loved and cared for.
Now thatâs what marriage is for, thatâs the way He designed it.
The sad thing is that today, we humans, weâve gone about getting these things without marriage. Weâve by-passed the public promises, weâve moved on and said: We can get two out of three without marriage. But now our culture says marriage doesnât have to be life-long, if things donât work out - thereâs always the alternative. Divorce.
And second, sex - well that now happens outside of marriage.
When I prepare couples for marriage, I donât assume the couple are coming into the marriage as virgins anymore.
In Melbourne, thereâs an exhibition on at the moment, put on by the Museum of Broken Relationships. Itâs a collection of items, each with a painful story, of a broken relationship behind them.
Thereâs an item that's called a boyfriend pillow, belonging to a Melbourne woman that was given by a boyfriend, so she could hug it to sleep while they were dating long-distance. Eventually she moved overseas to be with him, only he broke off the engagement and she moved back home with the pillow in tow. A painful reminder of what once was.
Colossians so far has been thumping home this one big idea: That we have a BIG Jesus! That all things were made by Jesus, for Jesus and through Jesus. This same Jesus has not only transferred us from the dominion of darkness into the kingdom of the Son, but he also transforms us to look more like him. One of those things he transforms is marriage.
These two concrete sentences about a husbandâs role and wifeâs role. They come off the back of the fact that Paul opened up Chapter 3 by saying we have new life in Christ, that weâre united with him. Just as he died, so too did our old self. The life marked by greed, by sexual immorality, by anger, by rage. Just as Jesus has been raised, so weâre to put on the new self.
Weâre to put on compassionate (not stubborn) hearts,
Kindness (not self-centredness)
Humility (not superiority)
Meekness (not assertiveness)
Patience (not impatience).
Colossians 3:13-14
bear with each other and forgive one another, if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity. (NIV)
Now if thereâs one place where forgiveness, where love, where our new life in Christ is to be put on display, then surely itâd be marriage! Jesus: Lord over all creation. Lord over marriage.
Can I say, if youâre not currently married please donât think this sermon doesnât apply to you. You have the unique position of providing insights on the marriages you see. To observe, to question, to encourage, to challenge. Itâs important you too think Godâs thoughts on this issue.
Letâs begin by addressing the husbands. Verse 19.
Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them. (NIV)
Godâs word to husbands is to love your wife. So the way Godâs set up marriage is this - the husband is to love his wife and the wife - sheâs to let him love her. Many women have told me âIâve got the easy part. As a wife, my job is to let my husband love me. Sure! Who am I to get in the way of that?!â
Well - itâs that time of the year again. Iâm talking about that TV show âThe Bachelor!â The other night I snuck a peak, for research purposes of course! and sure enough, the same thing happened, just like every other Bachelor or Bachelorette series.
The goss. It all centred around when and who will say âI love youâ first? or to quote one of the contestants âWhoâs gonna drop the L-bomb?â Whatever you do, do NOT get your definition of love from the Bachelor!
Godâs definition of love comes from Ephesians 5:25. Where Paul, the same author says this.
Husbands, love your wives just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her. (NIV)
Husbands, you want to know what it means to love your wife? Itâs right here, look at what Jesus did. He gave himself up willingly, for us, for our sake. He didnât deserve it, he didnât have to and yet, out of his great love for us, Jesus died for you and I. The shape of a marriage is the shape of the cross.
Love doesnât begin with us. It begins with God. Weâre talking about concrete, demonstrated, heart-wrenching love. This is a love that involves the spilling of blood not just the spilling of words. Jesus put our needs before his. That means fellas weâre to do for our wives what Jesus did for us. Thatâs both the platform and the priority of your marriage. Giving up your very own life, nothing heroic about that, thatâs just part of the job description of being a husband. But along the way thereâll be mini-deaths too, death to yourself, as you put her needs, her interests, her desires and her comfort above yours. As you devote yourself to her, remain loyal to her and protect her.
As husbands we take the initiative to say sorry, even if itâs not your fault. We donât keep a tally of her wrongs, nor do you count up whoâs contributing more. Thinking âOh good - she owes me oneâ Being a Christ-like husband involves loving her not just when itâs convenient, or to get something in return.
Now of course thatâs easier said than done. I remember a while back how I was cleaning up the kitchen after dinner, as an expression of my love for Teresa, only it was anything but. There I was, resenting the fact that I was the one doing the dishes and she wasnât helping. So rather than doing it gladly, willingly, I was making as much noise as possible and I made sure she could both see and hear what I was doing for her. Slamming the cupboard doors as I put the plates away, rattling the cutlery in the drawer as I was putting it back all just for effect. What a relief Jesus died for my selfishness! Continuing in Ephesians 5:26-27
to make her [Godâs people] holy, cleansing her [Godâs people] by the washing with water through the word, and to present her [Godâs people] to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. (NIV)
Jesus traded in his life for yours, not because we were already holy. No, He died to make us holy!
For those of you who aspire to be married. This is how what Iâve been saying today applies to you. Godâs criteria for a spouse means looking for the godliest person you can find.
Rather than ruling out someone because theyâre too tall, too short, too fat, too skinny or because they donât earn enough to provide for you. Instead, look first for godliness. We all know that physical attractiveness wonât hang around. The wealth could disappear in an instant. Look for the person whoâs encouraging you to set your mind on things above, the things of eternity. Whoâs encouraging you to put to death the sins, the stains, the blemishes of sin. That ought to be your standard because chances are if theyâre doing it now theyâll keep doing that as your spouse!
Just before we move onto what Paul says to wives, here are 4 final comments for the guys.
1. Value her as your equal
As a husband my goal is for Teresa to feel safe, thatâs a basic human right. To feel loved. That she flourish and become the woman God is recreating her to be. Maximising her gifts, her abilities in the context of loving relationships.
Treating her as my equal, thatâs what I call a trust builder. And in a marriage, thatâs gold! Thatâs what marriages are built on. Our wives need to know that weâve got their backs, that we want whatâs best for them, that we wonât betray them, that we wonât misuse our role in any way.
To not value your wife as your equal, that has the opposite effect. Theyâre called trust stealers. One of those trust stealers is there in the second half of verse 19. Husbands, do not be harsh with your wife. Being harsh with your wife - Whether itâs expressed by a husband who lords it over his wife, by making demands by exercising power over their spouse. Thatâs failing to love your wife like Christ loves the church. Itâs to misuse that God-given headship.
Hereâs a question for you, Is your wife afraid of you when youâre angry? That should never, ever be the case. If those harsh words have crept into your marriage, itâs time for them to be replaced by gracious words. Husbands and would be husbands, I beg you, do not be harsh with your wife.
Valuing your wife as your equal will involve things like:
Itâll involve never, ever demanding your wife submit to you, especially when it comes to sex. And lastly, it wonât involve disciplining your wife. You discipline a child, not your wife. She is an adult. She is your equal.
2. Cherish your wife
One of the greatest privileges Iâve had as a husband is that day in day out, year after year, part of me loving Teresa has meant
studying her. Learning new things about her, asking her questions, listening to what she says, picking up clues, taking notes. I literally have a note on my phone where I record ideas for future dates or things that I know sheâll enjoy doing. A movie we can watch, a cafĂ© we can visit, a place to go on a day off. Thatâs not a chore, thatâs part of cherishing the wife Godâs given me!
3. Make submission a joy for your wife
Guys, try a few of these lines and see how your wife responds: âHow about I change the nappy?â âDarling, let me cook dinner tonightâ âWould you like me to massage your back?â Or the one I tried with Teresa last night: âHow about we put on a face mask together!â
This is a concrete way that makes submitting to your love that much easier! Where the obvious answer will be a big fat YES!
4. Take the initiative to nourish your wife spiritually, emotionally and physically.
I know a few husbands here whoâve said to their wives: âEach Saturday morning, Iâll take the kids so you can have time to do what you wantâ Some of those wives, theyâve caught up with friends, theyâve spent time with God, theyâve gone for a walk. âšThose husbands put in the time, the energy and the preparation to make it happen.
Husbands also prioritise gathering with Godâs people. That means, coming to church and going to small groups. As husbands, our responsibility is to make sure that happens. Let nothing get in the way, whether itâs a âdonât feel like itâ excuse, or because thereâs a clash that night.
I know one husband from church, who each year, he makes sure he and his wife invested into their marriage. He would book them in to a marriage enrichment event or buy a book to read or have a night away together.
OK - thatâs Godâs word to husbands and would-be husbands. Wives and would-be wives as I address you, please bear in mind what Iâve said to the men. Let's look at Colossians 3:18
Wives, submit yourselves to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord.
Letâs begin with the elephant in the room. That word submit.
To the modern, 21st century ear, submission is either offensive or oppressive. Itâs become a dirty word. And yet know that every truth in the Bible has been misused and misapplied by sinful people. This truth is no different. And thatâs because our world - whether through the songs we listen to or the movies we watch, it screams the very opposite of submission. No wonder submission has become a dirty word.
Now before I go any further and try to defend the notion of submission, I need to be clear. If youâre hearing this as a victim of any kind of abuse in the name of submission or headship, then I am truly deeply sorry for the pain youâve experienced.
Know that God sides with you in your agony. Here at MBM, we want your marriage to be a safe place. Having said that, the solution, I think is not to do away with submission altogether. No, instead, letâs pursue what the Bibleâs vision of it is instead. In Godâs mind, to submit to something, or someone, itâs to respect a higher authority. And notice how the second half of Colossians 3:18. That submission is to be done in a way that is fitting in the Lord. So, letâs see how the Lord himself submitted!
12 year old Jesus. Heâs been hanging out in the temple in Jerusalem and meanwhile his earthly parents, Mary and Joseph have started heading home, only to discover - heâs still there!
Then we pick up Luke 2:51.
Then he [Jesus] went down to Nazareth with them and was obedient [original: submissive] to them. (NIV)
Here you have the greater, the sinless son of God! Submitting to the lesser, to a sinful human parent. Donât you just love how Jesus doesnât call us to do something he himself isnât willing to do. Itâs just that when it comes to marriage the stakes are higher. God calls upon wives to willingly recognise the authority of her husband. Itâs not as if God is directly having a go at wives only. No, heâs saying that order in relationships, itâs not only a God thing, itâs a good thing, for everyoneâs good, because thereâs order rather than disorder.
Ladies, just to be clear, submitting to your husband does not mean that husbands get to play a trump card every time we want sex and nor does it mean suffering in silence as a husband bullies his wife either physically, or emotionally. Thatâs just not on. Nor does it mean that the wife canât be the main breadwinner of the family or that she has to be stuck in the kitchen. Far from telling wives to be a doormat, God says to wives: Absolutely, you do have a voice. Absolutely, you can express an opinion, a disagreement. Wives, youâve got every right to tell your husband when you feel hurt or when youâre not being listened to. Thatâs what submitting as is fitting in the Lord looks like. Because at the heart of submission is respect.
Ephesians 5:33
However, each one of you [Paulâs talking to husbands here] also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband. (NIV)
Respect lies at the heart of submission. Yes, your husband can probably do better. Yes, heâs let you down at some point. Yes, heâs been slow to initiate. But please respect him, patiently encourage him and build him up, donât tear him down with your words.
One of the ways that Iâve realised Teresa has respected me is when it comes to making decisions. Iâm a slow decision maker compared to her. Part of that is because I like to have all the information first. And yet, Teresa, very graciously, has resisted the urge to step in or to complain. Instead, sheâs patiently encouraged me to make a call and go with it, to back myself.
Wives, I know that respecting your husband doesnât come overnight, but can I encourage you to pray for him? To pray for yourself in this matter too. Not only that, can I encourage you to chat to other women about this, not to whinge, complain or compare husbands. But check in, to confess how youâre going in these areas, with other marrieds and with unmarrieds.
Let me get the ball rolling for you. Here are 3 things that one wife shared in a book. For her, this is her litmus test of how sheâs going as a wife. Teresa found it helpful too so I thought Iâd share it with you.
Questions for wives:
1. Do you appreciate your husbandâs work and service?
Listen in to the impact this can have on a husband. The husband writes: âIn my own life, I must confess that I had never felt âmanlyâ until I got married. I was a nerd before it was fashionable, playing the trumpet and staying in the Boy Scouts through high school. Good things, no doubt, but not cool or macho. I was often mocked and excluded, especially at high school for my uncoolness. But my wife has always told me, and continues to tell me, that though all the world may look at me and see Clark Kent, she knows that underneath itâs as if Iâm wearing blue underwear. To my wife, Iâm Superman. She has always been very quick to point out and celebrate anything I have done that is courageous. Over the years, bit by bit, it has sunk inâ
2. Do you admire his efforts to love?
One of my female friends used Facebook to praise the efforts of her loving husband. Rather than Fatherâs Day last Sunday being a fun day at the snow, instead it was him cleaning up his daughterâs vomit in the motel room at 2am. For every moment like that, thereâs also moments weâll miss as husbands. We wonât pick up on the clues, we wonât read your mind, weâll botch it up. But please be patient with us. Praise the effort, rather than the result.
3. Speaking of praise, Question 3. Do you praise his ideas and godly leadership?
This is a biggie for me. Please understand ladies that your words are extremely powerful! Us men, we might appear like weâve got it all together on the outside, but words can either tear down or build up on the inside. Iâve really appreciated it when Teresa has said to me: âThanks for letting me have some time away from the kids to rechargeâ. âThanks for making that coffee / that weekend away with the girls possibleâ. It inspires me to make it happen again.
Friends, I hope today youâre walking out of here, seeing just how breath-taking and amazing Godâs vision of marriage really is. That rather than approaching marriage to find a spouse who can deliver social status, financial security, emotional stability, or great sex. Where marriage is all about me and my needs, my desires. God has designed marriage to be a wonderful, life-giving union. A partnership between two equals. Serving God and serving each other.
And the goal in all this, is in 50 years time right, when I wake up next to Teresa. When finally, our Asian genes of looking young have caught up with us when weâre all wrinkly and saggy, and baggy. When we smell that delightful morning breath and have to put in our false teeth. On that day, my goal is for Teresa to say on that day she feels more loved by me, than she does right now. That Iâve helped her pursue Jesus. To live for Jesus. And love like Jesus. Just as itâs Teresaâs goal, to on that same day, for me to say that I feel more respected by her as my wife than I do right now.
Friends, if youâre married here today, hereâs the test before you go to bed tonight.
Husbands, donât ask yourself do I love my wife?
No ask her! Hear from her! Honey, do you feel loved?
And then bite your tongue and just listen.
And wives, donât ask yourself do I respect my husband?
Go straight to the source: Darling, do you feel respected?
And then bite your tongue and just listen.
But know this, our earthly marriages are just a snapshot. Theyâre temporary. Theyâre but a preview of something much bigger and much better. Iâm talking about the union between Jesus and the people heâs rescued.
Please understand. There are no perfect marriages. No perfect wives. No perfect husbands. But there is a perfect Jesus. Who offers an endless supply of grace. Doesnât matter whether youâre single. Whether you never plan on getting married.
Whether youâre separated, divorced, widowed.
Whatever your circumstances - Happy, Unhappy, Fulfilled, Frustrated.
God invites every single one of us to be blissfully joined in the ultimate of marriages. A marriage between God and His people. Where Jesus - heâs the groom. The husband and his people, those of us whoâve put their trust in Jesus. Are his bride. His beloved.
The question is, will you be at that final marriage? In their excellent book on marriage, Tim and Kathy Keller describe what Jesus has done to enable you and I to be part of that final marriage. Let me read it for you.
âYou and I. We are so lost and flawed, so sinful, that Jesus had to die for you. But you are also so loved and valued that Jesus was glad to die for you. Now you are accepted and delighted in by the Father, not because you deserve it, but only by free graceâ
Come 13 November this year, Teresa and I will have been married for 15 years. I still remember the day, super strong winds, just like the ones we had on Friday. I also remember the song Teresa walked in to, it was called Faithful God.
Our âthemeâ for our wedding. As we were about to make huge promises, we wanted to remind ourselves of the God who not only makes promises. But keeps them too!
Let me read to you some of the lyrics:
Faithful God keeping us strong
Giving us the hope that we need to go on
Pure to the end, turns weakness to strength
Your mercy keeps us blameless at the day of our LordLet us fix our eyes on Jesus Christ who died
Who for the joy set before him bore the cross
Who scorned the shame so we will not lose heart
Faithful God we trust in you
For 15 years, our marriage has had 3 parties involved.
Thereâs Teresa, thereâs me, and thereâs a God who is impeccably faithful. A God whose faithfulness that enables us to pursue marriage. A God whose faithfulness inspires us to keep working at marriage. A God whose faithfulness has seen us through some pretty dark times, the death of a parent, a sibling, a child. A God whose faithfulness keeps us delighting in Godâs precious gift of marriage.